Here it is, almost one in the morning and I have done nothing. I’ve been floored by that Asperger’s pain today. I am exhausted. I just want to rest. I have mountains of work.
I’ve made no effort for the next day–I have not even showered yet or combed my hair.
Why do I fall into this pattern when I am like this?
Do I shoot myself in the foot?
Do I intentionally dig the hole deeper trying to make things worse since I am already down here? Continue reading
Most days I don’t know I have Asperger’s.
And the moments I do, spending time thinking about it is less than desirable.
It’s a subject that has become tiring and seems exhausted. It was new and interesting at first. Life is life. … I just want to be. I dive in and out of this blog taking long breaks at a time–it’s too long to spend deep in this world. I come up for air in the life I’ve known for twenty-seven years–one of being normal, one where these shortcomings weren’t known to me, one where these gifts and talents were mine rather than a piece of a diagnosis, and one where I was ignorant to how different the inside of my head is to the rest of the world.
But there is invaluable comfort in knowing. There is refuge and there is ease. Continue reading
When myself and the world are too much, I find myself back here.
I’ve stayed away for a while. Diving in too deep made life too heavy. I’ve lived forever without a label and simply in “just existing.” It was nice to just exist again without the labels and without the over-thinking.
Slowly, getting back on track, the skills I lost seem to be returning. Continue reading
- Just think positive
- You should be more like [insert name here]
- You should be hanging out with people your own age
- How come you aren’t doing more social things?
- You spend too much time alone
- You need to put down the phone and visit more at this party
- Do you want to come to my Jamberry party? Continue reading
I used to think I was just good at things. Art, writing, singing, anything creative… it all seems to come naturally. Things just work. Like the wheels perfectly arranged in a clock, some things just seem to fit the way they should. It’s like I already have this ability built in. I don’t have to learn it like other people, I already know it.
When I write, it’s almost like music that I hear. I hear the words in my head as if someone else is speaking them. I don’t have to try, they’re already there. And I hear the rhythm, I hear the flow. I hear when I need a two syllable adverb. I hear when a phrase is lacking in depth. I hear when I need short sentences and when I need long sentences. It all fits together like a song. Something inside of me does it and I am merely the puppet acting on this unknowable force. Continue reading
I have an inner choice: I have the Asperger’s side silently pulsing through my veins, intermittently lurking, and I have the “normal” side. This is the truth of my head. Continue reading
I am a chameleon. When placed against my surroundings, I absorb and change colors innately acquiring language, facial expressions, mannerisms, feelings. All seeps within. Continue reading