emptiness
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Here it is, almost one in the morning and I have done nothing.  I’ve been floored by that Asperger’s pain today.  I am exhausted.  I just want to rest.  I have mountains of work.

I’ve made no effort for the next day–I have not even showered yet or combed my hair.

Why do I fall into this pattern when I am like this?

Do I shoot myself in the foot?

Do I intentionally dig the hole deeper trying to make things worse since I am already down here? Continue reading

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The Little Fox Who Lost His Tail by Jedda Robaard

 


Most days I don’t know I have Asperger’s.

And the moments I do, spending time thinking about it is less than desirable.

It’s a subject that has become tiring and seems exhausted.   It was new and interesting at first.  Life is life.  … I just want to be. I dive in and out of this blog taking long breaks at a time–it’s too long to spend deep in this world.  I come up for air in the life I’ve known for twenty-seven years–one of being normal, one where these shortcomings weren’t known to me, one where these gifts and talents were mine rather than a piece of a diagnosis, and one where I was ignorant to how different the inside of my head is to the rest of the world.

But there is invaluable comfort in knowing.  There is refuge and there is ease. Continue reading

Sitting in class, at a meeting, with a church group, or at work, I’ve been amazed at how Sia’s performance on Ellen with Maddie Ziegler so encapsulates how I can sometimes feel having Aspergers in an organized group of people.  It hits on so many levels. Continue reading

My world is right. The wheels spin, the rhythm continues, the world around me propels forward. Life progresses and I with it. No longer a helpless passenger struggling in vain against the tightly buckled strap as the vehicle of life hurdles ever forward, I release myself to the current. The steering wheel somehow becomes mine and I now drive myself onward. I yield, I navigate through tight spaces, I weave in and out. I become a player, a participator, in this choreographed dance. So seamless, so natural, it’s unknown to me that the transition has even taken place. I just know somehow it has. But not in whole. All but this faint, dark corner pushed to the back of my mind, hanging cautiously above me, has bought into this momentum, this way of life. But if I just ignore it… if I continue in this quickly flowing stream, life is fine.

Life doesn’t hurt. Stimuli doesn’t hurt. Memories are far from my mind. I am able to be in the now. I am able to participate in the now. This present world of life may not be my happiest or favorite, but it is bearable. And bearable is a tremendous gift. All but for the slight walking on glass from that dark corner, life is fine.

But then, everything comes to a sudden halt. Continue reading

Shakespeare was right to create new words for the English language. Lacking adequate description, our words are hopelessly vague. One of our laziest representations is the word “can’t.” In the French language, there are two words to our one. Pouvoir is the direct translation you would receive from a dictionary for our word “can.” Conjugated, I can becomes je peux. I can’t becomes je ne peux pas.

However, live in France and you would find that this verb is rarely used. The direct translation of “I can’t” is reserved for things that are physically impossible, instances that truly cannot be. It is not watered down or weak, it is for direct situations where there is a physical impossibility. Continue reading