If you wear contacts or glasses, wear glasses that day. If you are going somewhere that are dreading or think it will be kind of invasive like the dentist, eye doctor, or hair dresser, take your glasses off when you are able. Blurred vision means less visual cues to take in and fully process. It also means less cutting eye contact and less details of others’ facial expressions to hold on to and worry about (cuz you can’t really see it as clear!). When already stressed or on alert mode, taking away even just one stressor can be very beneficial. Continue reading →
And the moments I do, spending time thinking about it is less than desirable.
It’s a subject that has become tiring and seems exhausted. It was new and interesting at first. Life is life. … I just want to be. I dive in and out of this blog taking long breaks at a time–it’s too long to spend deep in this world. I come up for air in the life I’ve known for twenty-seven years–one of being normal, one where these shortcomings weren’t known to me, one where these gifts and talents were mine rather than a piece of a diagnosis, and one where I was ignorant to how different the inside of my head is to the rest of the world.
But there is invaluable comfort in knowing. There is refuge and there is ease. Continue reading →
When myself and the world are too much, I find myself back here.
I’ve stayed away for a while. Diving in too deep made life too heavy. I’ve lived forever without a label and simply in “just existing.” It was nice to just exist again without the labels and without the over-thinking.
Something inside of me is broken… and there is no fix. I can learn. I can adapt. I can make up for it. But it will always be broken.
I am missing a crucial chip deep within the mechanisms of my brain, quintessential to the human existence. …I don’t possess it. I can look normal. I can speak normal. I can seem to respond normal. But at the end of the day, without this chip, I am not normal. And it can wreak its havoc as a result. Continue reading →
I used to think I was just good at things. Art, writing, singing, anything creative… it all seems to come naturally. Things just work. Like the wheels perfectly arranged in a clock, some things just seem to fit the way they should. It’s like I already have this ability built in. I don’t have to learn it like other people, I already know it.
When I write, it’s almost like music that I hear. I hear the words in my head as if someone else is speaking them. I don’t have to try, they’re already there. And I hear the rhythm, I hear the flow. I hear when I need a two syllable adverb. I hear when a phrase is lacking in depth. I hear when I need short sentences and when I need long sentences. It all fits together like a song. Something inside of me does it and I am merely the puppet acting on this unknowable force. Continue reading →
I started the post An Imperfect Science yesterday about a young girl I work with who has Asperger’s. My intent of posting was to share how challenging it is to do the right thing, respond the right way, and have all the right answers—no matter who you are and no matter how much perspective you have. It is hard.
But along the way in writing, I came across a crucial piece that I thought should entirely merit its own post. Throwing a lifeline. Continue reading →
For all that I’ve started writing, all the thousands of words I’ve already written, and all the attempts to dive deeper, I feel like I just need to say that I fail too. I struggle to reach out to children with Asperger’s, I struggle to support them in the way they need to be, and I know I make mistakes. Life and humans are an imperfect science.
I work with a young child with Asperger’s syndrome. In being able to understand much of what she’s going through, she clings to me. I am able to speak to her in a tone she appreciates and, most importantly, treat her gently with kindness where others would have shown frustration, impatience, and picked her apart. Continue reading →
This year, I’ve often been feeling as though I wish I didn’t exist.
This is a tough one to explain to anyone who doesn’t have Asperger’s; the immediate assumption is that you are speaking of suicide. I don’t wish to die, even if sometimes I feel like I want to. Dying is scary and too final. I refuse to intentionally inflict upon my family a loss like that for the rest of their years on Earth. For all they’ve done for me and how much I love them, I couldn’t ever knowingly do something like that to them. I’m also not sure how that fits in with God and my relationship with Him. I know He made me. I know He put me on this Earth. He’s been right about so many things that I’ve been wrong about in the past, I’m not sure if it would be right to just opt out on my own accord.
So please don’t call a suicide hotline and other emergency-intervention-stuff for me, there is a difference. Continue reading →
This is a fantastic article from a fantastic website. Please take the time to read it first. The article brings about a lot of great points. The website where it is taken from, About Health, also has many other useful resources on autism as well. I suggest you check it out!
My brain is its own vault. From the second I awake in the morning to the moments I drift off to sleep, unbeknownst to me, my brain is ravenously devouring all that is around me. Every thought, every thought upon thoughts, every observation, every analysis, every action, every word, every emotion gets shoved into the busy, busy vault. But little gets to leave.
To know so much, to keep so much, seems like a gift of humanity. But it is far from it. Continue reading →